Secrets To Being Awesome

Skills you need know in order to succeed in life..or fail..but really, what's the difference?

Posts tagged alcohol

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How To Survive a Hangover:

Here are a few tips to surviving your hangover because last night all you remember is taking those first 10 shots of tequila…or maybe only the first shot. 

Step one: Once you awaken from your alcohol coma & you’ve realized that you have no idea where the fuck you are…you have a few choices:
a) If you turn into a slut when you’re drunk: put your clothes back on.  
b) If you’re a mean drunk: start rehearsing those apologies because that bottle of salt you threw at your best friend probably left a bruise.
c) If you’re a messy drunk: start rehearsing those thank you’s and some more apologies because I guarantee your friends don’t appreciate you throwing up all over their shoes while they were holding your hair.
d) If you can’t even remember what kind of drunk you are: Maybe you should consider drinking less…drinking more. 

Step two: After you’ve figure out what the fuck you did the night before…take another shot or two…you can’t have a hangover if you’re not sober.

Step three: Now that you’re slightly buzzed and you’ve somewhat regained the ability to walk, go take a shower because I promise you… you look like shit & you smell like alcohol. & No one likes that…except maybe Ke$ha. 

Step four: Make your way to the nearest Waffle House because you’re fucking starving & IHOP is way too classy for your drunk ass. Plus Waffle House won’t judge you for wearing your sunglasses even when you’re in the building… In fact, 90 percent of the people sitting at the Waffle House with you are probably still drunk. You’ll fit right in. 

Step five:  If you’re underage…which I’m guessing most of you are, then you’ll have to hide your hangover from your parents. Here’s a few scenarios to help you:
a) If your parents are those parents that ask a million questions like:
How was the sleepover at [insert name here] last night? Did you guys have fun? What did you do? What did you eat? Did you have breakfast this morning? Where did you guys go? Did [insert friend’s name here] have a good time? 
Simply respond by saying: “Mom/Dad I WASN’T DRINKING LAST NIGHT.” They’ll never suspect a thing.  
b) If your parents are those parents that always assume the worst like:
"You’re coming back a little late today…Were you smoking pot? I SMELL MARIJUANA  AND ALCOHOL ON YOUR BREATH! You’re grounded until you’re 50"
Now, you very well may have been doing both of those things last night…but that’s not the point.. Simply say to your parents: “I’m a drug dealer…obviously I smell like pot” They’ll be impressed with your honesty, and kick your ass out of the house.

Have a Happy Hangover,

Filed under Hangover cure alcohol Ke$ha Drinking Wasted drunk tequila humor funny Howto tips Waffles Wafflehouse sacrasm

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How to be Ke$ha

Step one: Take approximately one year off to prostitute (get some “life experience”)
Step two: Drop out of school…or fail out.
Step three: Rip all of your clothes (they’re sexier that way)
Step four: Take a bath…in beer.
Step five: Throw some glitter… make it rain.
Step six: Forget all meanings of the word SOBER.
Step seven: Don’t bathe (if you must…refer back to step four)
Step eight: Alienate all friends except Jack and Daniel.
Step nine: Wake up every morning feeling like a sweaty rapper of your choice.
Step ten: Develop a beard fetish. 

Trashy is the new sexy,

Filed under How To Ke$ha Trashy alcohol beer glitter jackdaniels bath fail prostitution sober rapper beard sexy humor funny